Single, there are very few people with whom I share my secrets and even fewer who hear my internal thoughts about the day. One hole in this armor though is you and today, I confess that I still want that special someone to love and hate and love again.
Sitting with the ‘old folks’ this last Christmas Eve, I remember how my aunts and uncles were tonight. The party was much smaller than usual and the music we shared was a much shorter jam session. We were all tired, I hurt a bit internally, my Dad expressed that his legs were inflamed from standing in three church services to sing in the choir, and several family members shared their physical ailments too.
The Bird family inquired about my life in California, with my two aunts taking a particularly perked interest in any boyfriend(s) that I may have acquired since the last time we spoke. To their dismay, I was unwilling to share any romantic involvements and because just today, I ended the last poly relationship I had with a man named Tahl.
There wasn’t much to write home about with that one anyway. We started off as friends a few years ago and in the end, we will still be connected. Wishing me ‘the best’ in the future, it was a cordial goodbye. He is presently very focused on getting married to a prostitute from the UK and it was time for me to step away from ‘the lifestyle’ for a time or forever.
Crying a few tears to grieve this year’s loss of our connections (at least those that this physical reality no longer supports) those were done alone and in silence. No condolences were necessary, there are no problems left to be right about. In many ways, this period to the sentence and conclusion to a story is the same as the last one and the one before.
Life on repeat brings a sort of strength to the mind that I am learning to appreciate. Consistently bringing myself to the present moment, releasing old stories and thoughts, I am extremely quiet most days. Saying less is more most of the time.
Except here in this virtual playground, that is.