20180125:12:39

I might look beautiful on the outside today, but I am a mess inside. One that would only make sense to Yours Truly. Capturing this moment in time with words, I am confused with the human stories, especially my own. Our endless concentric circular pattern of emotional days and weeks feel like I stepped into Groundhog Day. In this way, part of me wants to quit that old movie’s casting assignment and go “off to the coffee shop” (a phrase my Dad use to say when he was trying to soothe and remind me that the person in the movie or story I was watching was just an act).

Death isn’t the answer, yet the suffering – this anxiety and depression – is real. Seeking a doctor for what ails me has been a life-long pursuit. Still, the pain exists inside me with almost every breath and exhalation. As there is no physical ailment yet that requires any urgent attention, I do nothing but wait for another disease to creep around again.

What am I waiting for, disease or health? I have no idea, and if I knew I probably wouldn’t tell you lest you mess up the alignment of stories that we’re about to experience. One of those stories will be about a date with a friend that I shall name “B”. What is different to me about B is that he is a well-regarded member of the polyamorous community, a “family” that I confess I have yet to fully embrace.

Observing the nature of B in this life, I am curious to see if that “family” becomes mine. So far, people tell me too often that I am, “too smart for my own good”. This fact along with many others make me feel pretty lonely sometimes. Friends and family profess to love me, but that love does not mean care. Waking each day at this ripe old age of 37, I am very much responsible to stand alone and continue this game of survival of the fittest.

Gaming it up today, I will do my best to forget that in the end, no one will survive. In the end, all we will have left are the answers we came up with individually. In the end, ‘I’ will end and nothing will be left (including ‘i’, ‘eye’ and 3rd Eye Blind).

Vulnerability… was this post worth that release? You tell me! Writing these expressions is more difficult a commitment than it appears. When I was on the verge of divorce several years ago, my Dad told me to stick with my commitments and wait for the next wave of love to come. Though I am no longer married, my Dad was right in concept; feeling these emotions about life is like watching the waves of the ocean and today, I am waiting for the next wave of love to come in.

Selah

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