Dear “the One”,
Since you aren’t here…
I started again at 6am, except today I went to work and did an OK job at acting like I was the better half of this one American who is seriously hurting. Living in paradise, ignoring the internal dialogue about where the pain is coming from, I sat and worked at a computer all day to make “good” use of all 10 hours of this 7 – 6 shift of daylight time, none of which I saved for a rainy retirement someday.
I also cried several times today and tonight on my walk with wonderings if I am really going to be OK. People ask me if I am and I say “yes” aloud because that’s positive thinking, but here in neutral territory the honest engine truth is that I still hurt with these new antibiotics running through me. God, who knows, perhaps it’s just a really tired writing night. My new friend Jack would call this writing *shit* (and unworthy of release).
People tell me to tweak my diet, my habits, and my life. Book after book, app after app, all sit on the shelf, all of which claim to have an answer – The Answer. Having watched, tried and having read many about many of the options, here I am in a meditative state of what the hell! After all those books, audios, videos, herbs and solutions, I am millions of dollars in the hole and the only difference now is that I have learned to “meditate”. This is to express that I remain present and release my thoughts as they arise. Making me a crying meditator (on a walk).
Listening to music today wasn’t much help either. Which is odd, making my whole life feel strange
r than this shitty non-fiction. Oh well, at least I washed my hair and left the house for this test.
Your steaming pile,