Dear no One cares,
In moments like right now, disappointed and sad, I feel like roaring in the face of a lion. I want to scream until it hurts, I want to face the words that never surfaced, then I want to curl up and rest.
Instead, I stare at a picture of a little girl with long dark hair in zebra tights who is facing her fear and doing just that, mystically roaring at a giant cat. There is something very reflective of this art and the few pieces on my wall.
It is peaceful here with a rain outside that takes the edges off, though I am still growling here for a moment in this post and release. I guess I just wanted to let no One know why I was so overwhelmed with emotion tonight and more than a few times.
More than any other, I was disappointed in me because this light in me went out or dimmed in a very big way. Walking into that room, feet wet and cold, the people were intensely packed, the lines to get a plate of food were like I was at a fun park, and even with this California red carpet Hollywood Glamourous theme, I had to stand and eat with a lack of chairs. More than this, I was next to several serious folks who kept looking me up/down, many of whom kept their bridesmaids dresses in the closet for a rainy day like today when they wore it again at their annual ball. People watching, all the human judgment I felt around me was unfairly awful, mine included.
What was worse is that I felt all this around me, then hurt my friend’s feelings when I got frustrated and asked him to consider me more often. Even telling him what I really thought about how unfair he can be sometimes when it comes to paying for a date, it wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t pretty or even gracious, which blows. Come on now, S…
Maybe this is normal, perhaps I am write or wrong, but it still doesn’t feel good to write right now about how wrong I felt tonight. I was truly OFF. Still, there is a time for confession and calling it an early night when I give myself a hug and say goodnight to this story too.
<I’m sorry I was such an asshole?>
Anyway, thanks for reading,
no One cares.