Using this voice on Instagram and Facebook is quite a change from my usual quiet state of existence. Every time I log in here to write, I try to forget about the stats, but they are right there on the dashboard as though it were a viewers leaderboard. Your views then become points and then I wonder, did I win? Did I win this game of likes? or even this round? did what I write matter to you at all? and more than this, did you feel anything?
Too, how am I going to do this? and how am I going to sustain these social outbursts in my own life? In my real life, I am pretty quiet, but…
I started this writing thing, I started this story, and I need to finish me, I need to finish we. However long it takes me to finish this god
damn story, I’m going to get there eventually. Until then, I can honestly report that inside and out, I feel like I have a cancer that is eating away at us and quite frankly, no one cares about this cancer more than me. I am dying, and hear me *ROAR* as I go down in flames.
In other world news, I’m also wondering if I can sustain this abstinence decision both during and after this real-life game of thrones. What does abstinence look like and how do I say “no” on repeat until no is all I feel, know, see or do? I watch movies at night like In Search of Fellini and realize again and again that there are two types of men in this world. One type of man includes those with whom I feel a level of trust, then another type is the men who act, do, say or even think words and images that cause me to shudder the tremors of a PTSD victim after a shooting.
If I were a man? I would choose to be the first type of person. I choose to be a man with whom I feel a level of trust when I do, act, say and even think words and images that cause people to feel hope, love, and shudder those beautiful tremors of a PTSD victim after a shooting.
I will tell the truth. I am worthy of trust. Mine.