Celibacy: SelfieS

Celibacy: SelfieS


Love is a race? Man, what can I say about this race of celibacy with men. Can’t live with em’, can’t live without them. I’m struggling with finding the right answer with men (and women).

I’m making “mistakes” left and right. Reading this aloud to the Selfie in me, you can probably see where this story about two stories is going to go. One will be my side, one will be his (or hers). One story will also be about this weekend and another will be about my past/future. With a future, believe me, there will be more stories…

A few months ago I decided to try and be celibate for a time. When I made that decision, I liked sex as much as the next person, but I grew tired of having that topic on the table as a possibility. I wanted abstinence for a time. I wanted to focus on my work, and I wanted to find a real future. Then this week/end, I had sex with a “guy” and I “broke my vow of silence” again.

Damn it…

The memory still feels good, and I would do it again and again and again… Which leads us to a part of what this story is about = sex.

A “sex life”?…

Last night, I had the opportunity to be with three men. Three options for my Saturday evening, and I hadn’t even washed my hair all day. There was a “Matt”, there was a “Joey” and there was a “TJ”. A few neighbors here, they are lawyers, musicians, or professionals. They are…

Can I just STOP!there for just a moment?

How is it possible that this story exists?

Who am I? Here in California?

I’m not sure, but my neighbor and I celebrated our lives last night when he entered mine. His documentary of a drama-filled life won with me in an unprofessional way, and I will probably chose “a” musician every time. Of course I will select a musician like my dad, a farmer like my grandpa, an artist like my mom and a home-body like my grandmother. Family? I pick the One who is struggling just as much as I am, and especially after having met me.

I picked a “new” guy last night, maybe he picked me too for a time, and I care about the future, mine and his. Tiger together or no, either way I don’t really care to “say” much more about celibacy. Write now it’s time to talk about the future, with or without sex. My future.

Now in this future, I live in California. Specifically today, I have an awesome space in Cardiff and I am considering my future these days when “life” is telling me that it’s time to start thinking about a different work and an alternate life. One where I plan my future in a more strategic way than I ever have been before…



Maybe? this means moving to Big Sur, or it might mean staying here and really finding a place that I can call “home”. Either way, I do appreciate my life today, just the same as I ever have.

It’s a beautiful day to dream of napping in Big Sur, it’s a gorgeous day to listen to music, and I am a beautiful soul filled with songs, mediative writing, yoga, waves, work and some vitamin?

p.s. the answer is D.


~Steph Bird

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