Heaven? Somethin’ e=mC2 Right Home About


There has been much talk lately about heaven. Even testimony that it does not exist.

For heaven’s sake, what would we do without it? The language would be sadly weakened if there were no mild expletives such as those derived from Satan. Herself?


Little humans are even taught not to say, “The hell with it,” though I can’t see why. Many times when I was a small child I also felt like saying to HELL with I.T. and sometimes I did get lazy. But they can say, “for heavens sake” or “thank heaven” or any other variation of that celestial nowhere.

Betsy? I used to think the word was especially favored by older people. Whenever he was taken by mild surprise, a grandparent use to say, “Heavens to Betsy,” though he never gave us a clue as to who Betsy might be. Of course to suggest that such locutions are the province of older womxn is also sexist and ageist. I don’t want to do that, heaven’s to Betsy!

Heaven is not only thought of in our culture as a nice place to live, it’s also a source of power or benign favor, like God herself.

The language is replete with such supplications as “Heaven help us!” and “Heaven will help the working girl.” The latter evidently derives from the early 20th Century when young womxn first entered the work force and were oppressed and harassed by their male associates. Heaven help them, indeed.

Evidently there is a flood of recent books about heaven, some of them by people who have been there. I do not believe a dead person, or a person who has been dead and can write a book (though I have read some that read like it).

Heaven is thought to be a place of eternal bliss. For whom? One can hardly imagine a place that would be bliss for everyone. Eternal bliss is eternal boredom. Imagine lying on a bed of pansies on a nice spring day under a cherry tree while naked maidens or bucks dance all about. Soon one would want to turn on the TV or read the comic page.

What if heaven were an eternal replay of a football game? Is there anything that one would want to see over and over and over again, no matter who won? No, it seems to me impossible for anyone to write a script for a perfect day in heaven. For one thing, what is life without conflict? Even life without defeat? What if SATAN or JESUS always won? Worse yet, what if they always tied? Heaven would theoretically have to be an eternal tie. What a bore.

In heaven (one supposes), everything would be suffused in soft lights and music. OK. But what about those who wanted to read the newspaper? and those who wanted to hear hard rock? or accidentally laugh at the neighbor? I assume in all fairness that a few of them would get in.

Surely there would be no politics in heaven. Would a citizen like to wake up and read (if there was enough light) that the government has been overturned in a spiritual coup? Who in the hell wants that?

I have never been dead, but I think I have been close enough to know what it’s like. After someone wrecked my car and gave me a concussion, I also had cancer last year. 

A few months after the heart issue this year, most signs of life had vanished and I expected not to live too much longer. In dreams it felt like I had been on the other shore and believe me, there was nothing there that isn’t here. No light, music, perfume or football games.

There is no law (this is a democracy, remember) against a person saying that he, she or they have been to heaven. By now, they’d better have home some YouTube-worthy video footage or I’m not going to believe em’.

I see no reason to believe that in case of my death I would not be admitted to the heavens. Oh, I’ve committed a few sins, but nothing felonious, nor anything that Jesus may find with feelings of grace and mercy.

Heaven for free and for everyone? I don’t know what the rules of admission are, but if half of those souls who gave up the Holy Ghost all get there the place is going to be over-crowded as hell. It will be as cosmopolitan as Los Angeles and twice as hectic. Half of us will be Satan fans and half Jesus. We will have the same amount of conflict as we do here and the same amount of joy and misery, write? 

Nobody knows this isn’t Heaven right now anyway, nor Hell write and now. Jesus is said to have ascended from heaven, which suggests that it’s up. But space is all around us. Jesus could just as well have descended.

Heaven? Is already big enough to hold the dead of all time anyway. So our hearts and heavens must just hang with mystery. Free, and out there in space.

Sadly without hell, there wouldn’t be any gravity. You couldn’t even be able to sing with Pink while enjoying a game of Ping-Pong. It’s hell to come back here, but I did it and so can YOU!

Finally, my advice to anyone is that when and if those heavenly aliens come for you, don’t go. And if they come for us while together, remember that I’m deaf and you don’t speak gut englash.

Steph Bird

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