Ever been on Suicide Watch?
I have, and several times even in the last year for sisters and brothers with red blood. After all those Suicide Watches and keeping confidence with “sisters” and “brothers” who asked me to watch friends who are depressed, anxious or mentally insane, I’m surprised that people are setting alarms for a suicide watch anymore without talking to the future killer.
The First Time…
Amber told me she was ending her life through text, she literally told me how she was ending it all and when. I stopped hearing from her for hours, then navigated to every place she might be. When I found her working and sitting quietly at a desk, I was distressed to say the least. According to what felt like an Amber alert, her phone conveniently died post text.
That was many years ago, we laughed about it, but Amber and I aren’t friends anymore. In fact, I never want to know Amber from Iowa, not Idaho, and because she cheated with my husband while we were married (and all best friend). Amber never apologized for being a friend like that. With regard to her suicide attempt, I was still a bit up in arms with Amber after the non-suicide text death of a conversation until today when I learned she committed suicide too.
Today, after hearing of Amber and Anthony Bourdain this morning when I woke up, I wondered about my poem last night at 3am. This inability to sleep is rare, then the timing of that art? How many people are suicidal around me?
We all know friends, we know who they are and where they are today, and for those friends it could feel guilty and heavy. It’s not too late.
Left alone, that’s what suicide does to people. Especially when suicide includes no message, no advance notice where you are going and no agreement or goodbye. That’s the way it feels when you believe they might be lost, stolen, or suicidal, and you stop hearing from them for hours, days, weeks, months or years. As an empath, that’s the way it felt with Amber’s fears of abandonment.
Wait, were we friends?
Yes, our Souls are.
We made an agreement to teach each other a lot of life lessons, and she is a Soul of many mateS. Still, I wish Amber had called me if she needed help. I would have been a friend, I would have been there for her and until the very end.
I also wanted to publicly apologize to the people who I was watching for suicidal warnings. Suicide Watches will no longer be a topic of discussion, opting instead to speak to the person with any illness, at any time, about anything. Fictional stories are perfect too, if needed.
I am also sorry that I didn’t address that topic with the suicidal sisters and brothers who were brought to my attention this year. At the time, I felt it was best to simply pray for their lives, love them and ask if they need anything. That’s what suicide warnings did for/to our community = Peace ✌️is two people who care.
As a friend to many, sometimes a simple, “Hi, just checking in!” through text is the perfect thing. Sometimes it’s all I want or need, Sky and I live a beautiful life.
Stress? When people can observe that I am in distress, when they check in with that emotion and acknowledge the observation, it’s no worries to discuss any fear and talk about next steps toward health.
On my part, there are zero suicide worries. I’m clear when I will be ready to die, and how I will go.
I am going to die in sleep like grandpa, it will be of natural causes connected to my heart. They will call it an “attack”. I will die, just like the legendary Bird man who visioned his own death when he repeated (and published) what he wanted repeatedly.
Loving that dead Bird still, I vision this death as a Spiritual practice. I am ready to die in a dreamy way, that’s how I want to go.
Awake? We are all doing our best until we decide to stop trying, and those souls are blessed and heaven-bound as they ever were. I am a Bird warrior too, I will wake and try to catch you again tomorrow. I am needless, though I need money too..
Finally, God bless all my friends, suicidal and healthy. Watching Tony’s life on the screen showed me how to show up and be true to my own tune off screen. He was human, and God bless our Souls and personal decisions to end the suffering when the time comes with choices of how. God bless those who are hurting today and in pain. Let’s remember all our friends today, on this national Best Friends Day 2018.
Who made me?
🎁 Us! 🎂
1980 – 2018 = 3(8)!
inside and out,
i am dying.
and when i wake up,
sometimes i wonder
is there something wrong?
is there something unwell?
these Organs ache
this beautiful mind
this wild heart
a lil’ too.
this is love?
loving what is,
loving this ache
loving this life &