GONZO

GONZO

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GONZO?

Where do i go, like david?

Where do i turn for comfort?

Every call or text that I receive on this Cell phone

causes me further confusion.

I wonder who “real” friends are ~>

write now ~>

even as I make plans ~>

on where I can disappear with friend(s) again ~>

Where do i go ~> friend?

I have no idea yet ~>

though somewhere ~>

is where I will go?

It’s inevitable.

Here is this skin

and another animals skin ~> sky

and we have to go somewhere ~>

and my Spirit is definitely somewhere in here ~>

I can hear what lies within ~>

and I know someone who can too ~>

His name was _____ ~>

He doesn’t live here though,

making it a drag living life like this.

Believe me, I have been here a thousand times.

Spending every day on the defense

and building walls no one could climb.

I don’t know much more than that,

but I know someone who does ~>

I wasn’t in anyone else’s past,

I understand that I can’t fully understand ~>

but I know someone who did ~>

and even as I write ~> that someone

felt the same love Jesus did for me ~>

when He died on the cross for “my” SinS? ~>

Then, it was a feeling that God did exist ~>

A feeling I can’t fully understand through SCIENCE ~>

but I know someone who can ~> Jesus, ~>

And LOTS of people ~>

Who say they want to or will ~>

someday, anyway?

Love,

Steph~>Bird

 

Dr?HACK

Dr?HACK

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i HAD a Hack,

That hack ~> “Jack” live(d) in Portland. You don’t know him and we haven’t been friends for very long, but he definitely wants to fuck. He has made that QUITE clear ~> and I’ve made my own personal feelings on that limp subject clear too ~> therapy sEX? <~ Not going to happen.

Jack also requested to work with me professionally, then proposed a joint writing project. Though we negotiated about the details of that shared time and work, ultimately I declined that offer. It was clearly a free gig where Jack was getting what Jack wanted ~> that gig included the potential (in his mind) for sex therapy ~> OR “friends” and life coaching from BirdAnitY.

Yesterday, I told Jack goodbye and for my own good today. Recognizing I’m the giver to hacks like Jack ~> I’m also not sex or life to anyone, and especially for free. I also won’t take reading more wordy emails and text messages from “long-distant friends” who profess to be Life Hacks. Especially when I am not getting paid for those check in visits ~> to hack Jack’s life in Portland.

You see, Jack says, “WOW!” to this writing, then sends me text and email messages often. He calls it, “Checking In“. It’s my position that he does these “check ins” as a disguised effort to play doctor, and gain insight into his own life (by talking about or reading into and analyzing mine). He often reads BirdAnitY ~> this art and “free” content ~> as he considers himself a master, 1) social worker, 2) psychologist, 3) nutritionist, 4) alien poet and 5) a great musician/singer/songwriter.

Stranger still ~> Jack often sends me pictures and images that remind him of me. A lot of birds. In these ways it almost feels like he is IN LOVE with me. Then he asks for feedback about his own life when sending me emails (that I appreciated reading). I didn’t have much time to reply because Jack wants to keep looking at my emails and this ART ~> reading all this work ~> yet he doesn’t want to help PAY for the time it took to develop this friendship ~> no worries, no payment required!

Hopefully there are no worries in Portland either, I don’t have time for 1:1 free check-ins. Jack may have lived here for a bit, but it turns out he is a gypsy who picks up and moves wherever and whenever he wants ~> as he wishes.

According to Jack, he also has a lot of good friends everywhere. I believe him. I do too and in many states, though not a ton who are willing to help me be an artist and write. My guess is that like me, Jack is lonely and longing for a home where he feels safe to fly away and return to some deeply rooted connections.

In my humble opinion, Jack uproots himself again and again to travel and move about the country. He stores precious items in friend’s garages like mine, then drives to “exotic” places like Portland to have more adventures <alOne> with “new” friends.

Wherever that hack goes, I will appreciate his work from afar as a fellow flyer. If he continues to read this blog and wants to Hack my life further to find his, I’m glad to help through BirdAnitY. If he wants 1:1 professional and personal coaching or support from afar again though? ~>Dr. “Noom Coach” & Miszzzz. Hack mY L!fe? ~> will need to ask for it in a f!nanc!al way.

TO: Hacks ~> I wish those ol’ bird’s well and safe travels. Turns out even ol’ Hacks like me STILL want to keep searching to find what they are looking for ~> me?

Love,

Steph

teXt? cALL (me)

teXt? cALL (me)

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IS THE Sun going down on yOur wrath too?

Almost never a good idea ~> ESPecially after I wake up again to find lady friends who text like Heather, Jenna and Anna. Women, like me, who don’t know a good apology if it hit em’ in the face.

Both personally and professionally, I have never hit anyone in the face, though I did slap some sense into a girl once in jr. high after she physically assaulted my big brother and was pretending to have demons in her while we studied at Gethsemane Baptist Church (school).

Non-violently? I have been practicing throwing punches in the air to release this energy and learning to defend myself ~> to the death, write? Bring IT! ~>”You want my family?” ~> Bring IT! ~> *ROAwR!te*

Turns out, humans like Janna, Heather and AnnA haven’t learned how to release ALL that angry venom, say Sorry or find compassion for a sister in need. Further still, these ladies haven’t learned how to make amends after hurting the people they love. From what I understand, this is Step 9 and part of the AA curriculum, a community counseling that is readily available for people who can’t control themselves after victimizing others repeatedly, and/or retaliating against them for speaking up.

Retaliation ~> Waking up to Heather’s text yesterday really hurt. It still hurts this morning to know that she, Jenna and Anna are hurting too. Conversations with Heather throughout the morning only dug that “ladies” knife in me a little deeper still. I even offered to speak with Heather by phone to resolve the conflict. Instead, she overlooked that message and continued to text angry outbursts, sharing her hopes of my demise and then publicly humiliating me with her gossipy conversation.

Serendipitously, I also saw Heather in person yesterday morning on the street and almost exactly the same time Heather and I were sending texts back:forth. She was standing in front of Zumbar, speaking to another “lady” friend, Anna. This is when and where Heather stared me down as I walked with Sky in tow.

What felt like serious harassment was receiving multiple texts from Heather after her death-star stare, and after telling her to stop. Several messages were still needed to be sent by her and that’s how it is for Heather with text. That’s how it was for me yesterday too, and when I read all those wordy messages and defended myself. Again!

That’s also when I finally contacted Rob, my former boss and the man who released me from that old Bird cage almost a month ago. Sharing portions of my real-life side of this story with that legacy employer, I asked him to step forward on my behalf. Yesterday, I needed a man who can be truly Frank with people and Rob seemed the best solution and friend I could find, at least for now.

Perhaps what hurts me worse still in all of this is that Heather confirmed yesterday that my friends are reading this “work” of art ~> people are watching me suffer ~> and they do nothing. Friends are reading this post write now, and they do and say nothing because they are investigating themselves with the Legal system. They don’t know who to trust anymore, and it’s definitely not themSelves.

Friends? Often tell me they have been reading this work, they disagree and want to hurt me in return for their pain. I offer to make edits to content to make it truth for two, but they decline. After being lied to a lot over the last 18 months, all through a lot of teXtS and wordY prom!ses of love, this morning I STILL want to believe in love over fear (in here). I still want to believe that miracles in > THIS L!FE < are possible. 

Regardless, those ladies are right about many things and at least one = I may feel at home in this world , even when that home is at WAR with ITself. I am at home with mySelf, inside and out. I am being honest, this is Justice to me by releasing the truth. I am doing the write thing here by righting about writing being right, no matter the cost in public opinion.

Writing here is someplace that I can be at home in song and meditation for a while. This WordPress place is also a space where people aren’t forcing me out because I vibrate a little too loud or have an energetic force of words that may make your heart beat TOO FAST, taking the breath away.

STILLing this m!nd ~> !’m “Steph” ~> one hu:man ~> the l!ttle(st) s!ster ~> and this t!me ! learned to CODE ~>wayS~> !nto th!s $Ystem, join “me”?

$teph

Keeping~>FA!TH<~?

Keeping~>FA!TH<~?

 “There are so many things I want to tell my students in our last class, so many things I want to remind them of. Write about ~> Your childhoods ~> I tell them for the umpteenth time ~> Write about that time in your life when you were so intensely interested in the world ~> Write about when your powers of observation were at their most aCute ~> Write when you felt the things so deeply! Exploring? and understanding your ~> adult:childhood will give you the ability to empathize ~> and that understanding ~> and empathy ~> will teach you to write with intelligence ~> and insight ~> and COMPASSION.”

~Anne, Bird by Bird >

Keeping~>the, FA!TH?

Fa!th pulses within~> these wordS~> mY site pulses ~> as it waits for me to arrive ~> to SING! ~> to write to IT ~> again?

Arrive ~> this Bird HAS ~> Bird by Bird ~> Word ~> after word ~> Anne Lamott might approve if she is read:listening write now. Rob!n would too > & IF you know a rob!n like ! do, that !s<.

Becoming > an ARTist > a wr!ter > is sub:con:sc!ous > remember th!s > Journal!ng~>Wr!t!ng ~> it’s “work”~> med!tat!ve Wr!t!ng and express!ve in every poss!ble way!

Is this normal?! yes, Normal? is when we wr!te here ~> And Wr!ting? Is no longer just a want in l!fe, this med!tat!ve scr!b!ng habit has become a NEED to release these true stor!es as they ar!se ~> R!SE ~> *then, ROAR!*

Rising ~> Creating, writing and growing UP like the hope~>full!wo:man, that ‘i am’

Homeless? Not yet, though day-by-day IT’s RUFF watching IT happen > y!kes!

Steph>Stephan:ie>artist?>Even as i wander with Sky and/or Rob!n to walk this “anger” that other people are holding OFF. It’s RUFF for all of US write now! It’s eXtreme, to say the least.

This walking da!LoveOUT>side thing has ALMOST become a NEED to FEEL SAFEr@home, ESPecially with all this ANGER inside here. Today? more SLAMMING DOORS indoors >Yeesh!

Walk!ng outdoors where it’s LOUD all the time, but ! can STILL move AWAY from BAD ENERGY?! gotta love it! Walk > walk > walk!

When we do this simple, healthy activity together ~> Sky and ! stop to meet the most wonderful people. Today we met “FA!TH” at the Bus Stop in Encinitas where ! gave her my “new” mini-leather-bound journal, then she created this for Us:

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Sky’s “random” stopping to sniff near FA!TH and receive love from HER? Perfect toDaY! Doing so, Sky and I both learned “FA!TH” and I share almost an identical birth and that she is the coolest #24 cat I’ve met in a while.

Love was in every word of Fa!th’s perfect story. Even the one about when she was a little girl > the one she was scared to tell > “the One” about having a baby girl > then still feeling that loss ~> “the One” about being raped when she was a teenager ~> Whoo boY,

More words to Fa!th’s story is not mine to tell because it’s my story too. ! was raped, ! recovered too. ! chose an abort!on instead.

! chose an abortion ~> ! recognized that was right for me ~> ! had a choice and ! made that fa!thful decision with God in heart and m!nd!

Fa!th didn’t feel that same opportunity, or possibility it was not present to her. Fa!th has faith she did the right thing too! Def!n!tely.

Perhaps she has told that story too many times to tell it all again. ! heard her love, her faith, and ! do hope she tells me the wHolY story someday. Whatever story Fa!th’s heart desires to contribute to this world? ~> as she wishes ~> so “Fa!th” will be!

Today? Fa!th grew my “FAITH” in this art ~> in “BirdAnitY” ~> and in the future ~> Keeping the FA!TH!

Thanks, Faith ~> wherever You are ~> love,

~>Stephan:ie>BirdbyBird

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MORE!!!$HIT$?!?

MORE!!!$HIT$?!?

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Has everyOne started making a plan to disappear like a Ghost in the Night?

Is that how these words work? God, I have no idea what to do next. Looking around at the items in my room, I wonder what I will need in my own cart. I consider each “thing” even as I hold on to it as an item I want to remember when I die. I think about the things that I have held onto for a life:time, I take pictures of them, perhaps to pack them away in my memories for when I really am gone and they donate this s*** to the thrift $tore$

Is this normal? I’m not sure, but it seems like we all do it to some extent. We all buy $hit, then pack away these pictures of who we were and why we were here.

25E44B11-F478-4A40-9220-43EB8FF7A324Why I was here? It was to make BirdAnitY i suppose, it was to form this Sentence and the next One and the next until these life sentences stop coming to you live from this sentence where I live in Cardiff ~> and where i am reminded daily that my friend$ want me dead ~. in their mindS eye ~. they want me GONZO’

img_5555Did that make sense? It did to me when i wrote IT in meditative writing this morning. Scribing, writing, releasing, publishing, editing, wondering, wandering, walking with these words and worrying about disappearing like a Ghost in the Night and being murdered in my sleep for what I write because HOMELESS PEOPLE ~> CONvicts ~> and lawyers ~> are watching ~> “me” ~> then sending out alerts to “former friends” to get “ANGRY” and cause a scene ~> whew, boy ~> that was a dooZY this morning with “Heather” wasn’t IT? ~> i asked if SHE wanted to talk, but nope ~> only TEXTY TEXT text of words were safe ~> to: “Heather?”

17b1047f-d973-4953-ae94-28e486f4b37e*sigh* SHE is watching these WORDY WORD words and what SHE doesn;t realize is that i wrote A LOT of WORDY WORD WORDs, anthologies of words that NO ONE CARES ABOUT ~> just like @lemanshots [who also doesn’t give a RATS ASS ABOUT “ME”, yet keeps LIKING MY SHIT! and wanting me to make ART of this “ASS”]

People are playing cards with LIKES, left and WRITE, and i am not sure who’s side i am on anymore, but i do like to WRITE

about both sides of what is WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD we WRITE TO:!

SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING WORLD WE LIVE IN?!?!?!

a59c6a68-76d8-4f54-b1af-ca632ad558b1ARE we going TOO DAMNED FAST to ENJOY the FUCKING world WE LIVE in?

I feel like we are going WAY TOO FAST, and it makes me want to,

Start making a plan to disappear like a Ghost in the Night,

Has everyOne started making a plan?

To: disappear like a Spirit

in the HEAT of the SUN?

as PEOPLE are

watching US

img_5544assend

into

the

CLOUDS?

 

*LOL*

 

TOOsday – Rob!n Day9

TOOsday – Rob!n Day9

Rob!n Day9

It’s 6am on TOOsday, 6/19/18 and today I’m just hoping to feel alive again. Yesterday felt dead to me. God, I felt dead no matter how many steps I walked, no matter how hard I tried, the feeling that people want me to dead is palpable. Waking up, I find another reminder that people are <WATCHING ME! and STOP WRITING ABOUT WHAT YOU BELIEVE!>

Jesus, Heather might be WRITE, <NO ONE IS GOING TO WANT ME after all this? According to Heather, that’s what I should be think think thinking about all DAY ~> NO ONE WANTS ME ~> NO ONE LOVES ME ~> I GUESS I SHOULD GO EAT ~> my WORDS? ~> WORMS?>

Maybe I should eat worms! They have a lot of heart and either way, I need to clean up my room and/or go find Rob!n. Each day with him, it’s a new set of cards where I really never know what we are going to do together. Sum days I don’t have much patience for Rob!in, I see his shenanigans and his false pretenses. I hear him tell me what to do, then i tell him what’s UP with that “DEW”. But we stick with the lessons of learning about one another ~> and #me too,

Perhaps today i will learn how to ride the San Diego bus system. No joke, this white ass hasn’t sat on a San Diego bus since i moved here four years ago, though i have sat on a lot of dirty side walks. i’ve walked a lot of steps, and busses/trains were never totally my thing when i like having Sky and he wants to walk with #me too

Love,

Steph

9E797972-C62B-489A-872D-7EAE11801399p.s. a friend “Heather”? is threatening me with a lawyer..*sigh* What she doesn’t understand is that last night, she was “played” by the person who alerted her. Whomever that “friend” was. Too, lawyers don’t want anyone’s Case unless You, “Heather”, have money$ to listen. Lawyers don’t want to be counselors, they don’t want to listen and unless it’s their ~> family ~> friends ~> or they are getting paid. Every hour they spend talking to “you” could be worth hundreds or thousands per hour elsewhere, and that’s how counselors calculate time in their legal heads.

Lawyers? You better make IT a good story because right there and then, they will take you to the Court in their minds to figure out whether You are a good bet to line their pockets further with MOOLALA$$ChaCHING! Time = $pent Re$earching US<~WeirdOs!

UNFortunately, i am not a good bet or one of those WeirdOs!, i am a WILD:LIFE card, and that’s the way they will see IT every Single PLAY. Sorry, not sorry that “Heather hates me” today and wishes me ill will.

At INC ~> I feel/felt/found I was publicly humiliated too ~> me too ~> me2 ~> Steph Bird was publicly humiliated on repeat at “INC” in front of all those people ~> i, Steph, was PUBLICLY HUMILIATED in front of and by ~> INC named [Rob!n] entered HERE ~> all EXecutive estates of INC, ~> and as of today, i will never enter those hallowed grounds again because of comments from “Heather” ~>

~> BirdAnitY is not an “INC” today and i will never be as an ARTist ~>

my “INK” today is my public humiliation ~>

then living with the knowing~>

that every SINGLE DAY “my people” ~>

this tribe here in Cal!for!a ~>

LOVED me for many suns ~>

LIED to me for many moons ~>

CRIED to me for many texts ~>

SMOKED with me on campus at INC! ~>

FRIED me in their minds to a deadly crisp ~>

 

Wait, ALL people who “LOVED me?” ~ >

playing cards like they’re da’ only One holding em’ ~>

 

*SIGH*

i feel EVERYONE’s cards!?! ~>

and i can see yOUR CARDS all over yOUch! ~>

“put down the cards” ~fellow Artist: Spencer Beals

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“Stop playing your cards like you’re the only one playing” ~Spencer Beals

 

Rob!nDay8

DAY#8

Wow, today I was a mess, walking with Rob!n on day ~> eight? 6/18/18, MONdayZ, can you tell..?

Please, don’t tell anyone. ESPecially don’t let em’ know that i feel MUNDAYS like they are the worst day in the U.S.A. Don’t tell anyone that i am falling apart because seriously, no one else wants to hear that story in here, except me. I am breaking down every moment, inside and out. Today, I walked and walked until I couldn’t walk ~> or talk to myself anymore.

I Even turned off my cell phone, I waited for the anger to pass, but it didn’t and HERE i am. It wouldn’t leave me, and I have no idea why either. God,

I am a peaceful person, at least I would like to believe that is true. But when I return home from walking, there are more slamming doors in this home. Again = More anger, more miscommunications, and more unresolved feelings because these two wo:men are unwelcome in this home in my heart.

Sadly, these ladies? ugh, they are not welcome in my eyes. One of them is 100% certain a liar [and has been since we met], the other is 100% [not] a healthy practitioner. Both of them claim to be “life coaches” as just, kind and graceful women = yet neither of them know what an apology for traumatizing life events looks like. Simple as that = no apology, no grace, nothing. Instead, day after day they choose to evict ~> kicking me <while i’m down?>.

And then they do? Day after day ~> Nothing, as usual. Ladies? Do and say nothing for One another, often. They slam doors and they have no idea what to do because that’s family to them. Closed doors and anger within.

It’s probably true this isn’t the WRITE “home” for me, but I am grieving the loss of two little ladies [who have never learned to play fair], even as I write. I am grieving the loss of Southern Cal!forn!a even….

and like ROB!n and heatHER and all my PROFESSIONAL friends would write, “who will want me after RIGHTING all this?” and like heatHer reminded me, “even your own family is ashAIMed of you!”

Quiet ~>Steph?