Do we want health?

Do we want the people we live with to be healthy?

No and yes, but first no and then yes, and for me. Search the globe as I have for a healthy person, I have found instead only that health is many measurements of time and effort into activities that I choose to be healthy at doing, achieving and being.

I have been 100% “good” at a lot of things in this way over 38 years of living, then I was 99% good and then 98% good and then 84% and then 92%…The calculations were endless and who was the judge? Me and always me, but was it? And who held the keys to the algorithm that defines healthy?

In the past, I slipped, moment after moment, then fell from grace with my 100% healthy body. And today, I recognize that I could use some work too. The picture could be painted that I am not 100% healthy, as I have been both fired and evicted from my home and work, all within 30 days. Does that seem healthy to you?

Instead of having conversations about everyone’s health when we discussed “mine”, instead I have become a target for others and their need for self-identification. Again and again, this is how it is for the healthy judgement of the unhealthy people in their lives. Who is healthy t/here?

Many of these unhealthy individuals are persons with whom we live. Their judgements are unhealthy and their thoughts about me are exactly that. It literally hurts me physically when friends mentally hold out hope that I will die in their memories or life.

Defeating me further still is their unspoken hope and desire that I will change to suit their needs, without warning or request. They call themselves friends and family even, yet they ask God for my release from this Sentence from Cell: (760)420-5855.

BTW, that’s my real life Cell#, You. Should You want to reach out today (and before I remove it from the WWW), I wanted to make that number available to You who may be feeling healthy, yet unhealthy today – that’s (760_420-5855.

If you need to call, text or chat, please reach out. If/when I am feeling healthy enough to do so, I will reply. Note that my response could even come from someone else.

Tomorrow, I also wanted to let someone (You) know that I will be spending my day with a friend Rob!n, the homeless man who almost literally lives “next door”. We agreed to wake up around dawn, then help Rob!n with his calls to Camp Pendleton to find out if they still have his things from being a Veteran. Rob!n also indicated that he may be offered some financial support. Whatever he needs, I will follow him around tomorrow and see what his life is like for a day.

I also offered Rob!n work here at Birdanity and he accepted. Rob!n will be making artwork here for me at Birdanity as he will be sketching the illustrations for this writing thing I do. He agreed to help me in this way, and I agreed to donate whatever money I might receive for his work. I will help him to feel comfortable every single day, there is no question in my heart about my intension to love Rob!n as he deserves to feel love.

What I want for Rob!n to feel is empowered. I want him to see that who he is today is a handsome 6?-year old man who has a beautiful life here in Cardiff-by-the-Sea where he speaks to a lot of other women and men in my community who help him too. I want him to know that I believe in whatever work he wants to contribute to this world. According to him so far, that is art and I am all for this ART.

With that, I’ll close this post and tell you that I recognize these last few posts haven’t been very colorful with graphics and illustrations to help readers see what I am feeling. Going back to the healthy question above, I am hurting lately in ways that feel foundational with attacks on my very character and peace of mind.

I am wounded beyond words, except for these. I wish I could share this pain I feel with You, and the almost overwhelming desire to crawl into a hole and sleep for a very long time. Maybe that’s where I’m headed, a very long sleep, and if I don’t wake up from that sleep? Thank you God for this mascot of a California Bear, not bird, who is nearly ready for a summer hibernation.


Steph Bird