dYing_Yung

dYing_Yung

2E4D1698-84B5-46CF-80B7-1952C6A966C4.JPEG

i know

deep down

inside and out,

i am dying.

………..

slowly,

and when i wake up,

sometimes i wonder

is there something wrong?

is there something unwell?

these Organs ache

inside.

………..

Thinking…

Feeling…

this beautiful mind

this wild heart

they hurt

a lil’ too.

………..

this is love?

………..

loving what is,

loving this ache

loving this life &

death.

………..

DEATH?

this_is_i.t.

this_is_love

this_is_LIFE

and_mY_?

DEATH

(too).

*sigh*

………..

<breathe>

………..

no rush,

LOVE

just know

it’s

All_most

tiME

2_die?_

feeling?

yIn?

YoUNG

………..

IMG_3091.JPG

 

Deck#1:Card_One_

Deck#1:Card_One_

Here i gOooo…

Creating things? I.t.s healing to me. It’s white and blackbird of me. It’s artistic, autistic, and BEautifully uniquely “me”. This is Card#One of Birdanity Deck#One titled “Take My Hand 🤚 & RUN 🏃‍♀️ 🏃 ♪( ´θ`)”

Secret? I made it when I was trying to figure out my heart conditioning. It’s when I was healing from the last heart break. It’s ARTfully weird?

Deck#1:Card_One_

“Take my hand 🤚 and run 🏃 🏃‍♀️”

<Ka!Ka!🦅 >

#birdanity #birdanityart #birdanitygame #birdanitywords #notforsaleortrade #copywrongtowrite #write #create #art #artoninstagram #birdanitytarot4kids_deckOne_cardOne #cardgames #games #gamestop #love #kidsgames #spiritforkids #spirit4kids #stillblessedyogi @stillblessedyogi #warrior #warriorsgame #lovingkids #lovinglife #lovinhwhatido #lovingwhoiam #lovingwhoimbecoming #lovingwhoyouare #insideandout #naturelovers #comfortableinmyownskin #skin #bruised #hurtinginside #kaka! #birdspirit #birdanityspirit

Celibacy: SelfieS

Celibacy: SelfieS

8CE8D03E-1A23-4F80-9020-DDDDB9FBC19DCelibacy…

Love is a race? Man, what can I say about this race of celibacy with men. Can’t live with em’, can’t live without them. I’m struggling with finding the right answer with men (and women).

I’m making “mistakes” left and right. Reading this aloud to the Selfie in me, you can probably see where this story about two stories is going to go. One will be my side, one will be his (or hers). One story will also be about this weekend and another will be about my past/future. With a future, believe me, there will be more stories…

A few months ago I decided to try and be celibate for a time. When I made that decision, I liked sex as much as the next person, but I grew tired of having that topic on the table as a possibility. I wanted abstinence for a time. I wanted to focus on my work, and I wanted to find a real future. Then this week/end, I had sex with a “guy” and I “broke my vow of silence” again.

Damn it…

The memory still feels good, and I would do it again and again and again… Which leads us to a part of what this story is about = sex.

A “sex life”?…

Last night, I had the opportunity to be with three men. Three options for my Saturday evening, and I hadn’t even washed my hair all day. There was a “Matt”, there was a “Joey” and there was a “TJ”. A few neighbors here, they are lawyers, musicians, or professionals. They are…

Can I just STOP!there for just a moment?

How is it possible that this story exists?

Who am I? Here in California?

I’m not sure, but my neighbor and I celebrated our lives last night when he entered mine. His documentary of a drama-filled life won with me in an unprofessional way, and I will probably chose “a” musician every time. Of course I will select a musician like my dad, a farmer like my grandpa, an artist like my mom and a home-body like my grandmother. Family? I pick the One who is struggling just as much as I am, and especially after having met me.

I picked a “new” guy last night, maybe he picked me too for a time, and I care about the future, mine and his. Tiger together or no, either way I don’t really care to “say” much more about celibacy. Write now it’s time to talk about the future, with or without sex. My future.

Now in this future, I live in California. Specifically today, I have an awesome space in Cardiff and I am considering my future these days when “life” is telling me that it’s time to start thinking about a different work and an alternate life. One where I plan my future in a more strategic way than I ever have been before…

84ECB474-29AD-4D14-A7FA-1AB9953DFA8E

ugh..?

Maybe? this means moving to Big Sur, or it might mean staying here and really finding a place that I can call “home”. Either way, I do appreciate my life today, just the same as I ever have.

It’s a beautiful day to dream of napping in Big Sur, it’s a gorgeous day to listen to music, and I am a beautiful soul filled with songs, mediative writing, yoga, waves, work and some vitamin?

p.s. the answer is D.

Amen

~Steph Bird

I QUIT!? (Still, Let’s be still)

156C3ACB-CB37-4693-9D03-61AF09CA5E42

 Can I tell You one last story?

My guess is that it’s not going to be a pretty one this time because I need to tell you that,

I quit?

I quit!

The Native American in this melting pot feels like my soul is being stolen with these talking pictures and wires. This is a lot of hard work “being seen” here on this Earth, here on this web and when “I” look around me today and see all these pages of words, buttons, applications, inter-webs, outer-webs, systems to connect our webs and platforms of data to protect the walls of this data… all i really want in this life is to put down this number on my forehead and even this phone to be with the people i love.

To: Family, colleagues and friends, i want to sit around a camp fire with each and every One of You someday. Period. i want to get to know You like i’ve never known You before, and “i” want to be heard some too. Just for One moment after moment, i want to hear Your whole story and THEN? “I” will need to just be still. Together?

Just for a moment, can we be still?

Please, is this too much?…

One day soon?

Toomuch:

2Ask?

Plea

sE

…..

~S

~SMB

~Stephanie Bird

@birdanity
#birdanity

(just for today?)
(just tomorrow?)
(when is good?)
(when?)

(do you read me?)

(do you COPY?)

(10-4, this is Little Selah,

do you read me?

Over and out…)

(make a comment,

I dare You…j/k?

I don’t double DD dog

dare

anyOne…)

 

p.s. Do you QUIT?

Too?

 

Devil’s Advocate?

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A nickel for every time i played the devil’s advocate?

I do that too, and if you want me to really be brave, it’s this devil’s advocates who are really my advocate. When someone plays my advocate, when they are on my side even when my side is the wrong side (of the law), that’s a real devil’s advocate. That’s love and I am all about unbelieving all the lies that I was told about lawyers, judges and devil’s advocates.

Everyone’s name is given, but honestly, nobody asks us who we really are? After so many years of living, you wouldn’t think the answer would still feel so far for some. I’m slow too, but I’m smart, I’m left brained and right, I’m a morning and a night, and maybe it’s time to step outside those lines and see who I find? A devil’s advocate.

Too, it’s about unbecoming what I never was, a devil’s advocate. It’s about unlearning what was never true. It’s about unbelieving all the lies that I have been told. Unbecoming is the story of my soul unbecoming.

The scariest thing in this devil’s advocate sentence is offending and disappointing everyone’s vision of who I should be, but the only way home is to fly on my own until i know and see that it’s about unbecoming. It’s about unlearning what was never true. It’s about unbelieving all the lies that i have been told.

Unbecoming started the story

of my soul.

~Stephanie Bird

#unbecoming
#unbelieving
#devilsadvocate
#lawyers
#judges
#pastor
#birdanity

 

2018:0405:00:12 – & One…

Pastors?…

When my pseudo-Pastor of a Dad found out that I was molested, when he really heard me in my 30’s after I told him the story in adult words, he said,

“If I had known that, I would have killed that man.”

Pastor Dad tells me loving words and my guess is, you are a human being who might be able to come to appreciate this story I am telling you too, at least a little. But I don’t want to just be grateful for the story, I want to be respected as a Reverend and Pastor too.

One Reverend of Birdanity, a place that memorializes a story about a Pastor who was a Shepherd to many people. Serendipitously, I had my own Pastor Shepherd back in 5th grade during a time when I was molested, and I’m certain that he did the best he knew how at the time that I went to school there, a place where he was also the Principle of our non-profit wealth and community money. He was doing the best he knew how as a non-judgmental party of One, and when it came to my story, he wanted to let the “he said : she said” be over.

He was a judge, he was a healer, a peace keeper and he was just like a Stephanie, a James, a Max, a Sandy, a Saint and I am absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that my older Pastors have mentored this younger Reverend well. As this wisdom of all these ages combined, he was just doing the best he knew how at the time. He was just a man who was a Pastor, he was just a Shepherd and he was GRACE to the world too.

Period, end of story?

No more ends of stories until this end of mine when I STOP! being this fe*male* *roar*ing Reverend of some Universal life church I called Birdanity, a heavenly place that I’ve never heard of too. I love my Father, the farmer’s son, and for wanting to kill anyone for me though I know he never would. I love my Mother for protecting me once she realized I was scared, I love my family for encouraging me to speak up and I love this voice and story about an old church we once called our Gethsemane. It was so…

I was so…

Pastors…

~Pastor Stephanie Bird

 

20180404’s Secret?

IMG_0536Can I tell you a secret?…

Can I tell you that I finally used my voice the last couple of weeks and it hurt my lungs to say it all so much. To write so much. It hurt in ways that *pain* really only describes in words and that’s because it’s supposed to be some sort of emotion or emoticon or feeling or sadness or depression or health?

which is it, this pain?

is it healthy to think of causing people these feelings that we cause is helpful? *pain*?

That’s the secret for all of us, isn’t it.

When mental health is as important as any other, I will stop writing. Too, what people have done ‘to me’ over these last several years has to apologized for and then STOPPED with all the emphasis this quiet voice could muster. Stop! Please, I am asking you to stop and reconsider whether *pain* is a valuable way of learning: clearly it is, and if you want to learn lessons the pain-filled way, I will teach you. I will tell you stories that will help you get there. I will tell you a gender fluid story about how I am abstinent and sex-free. I will be telling you the truth, as I know it today. I am telling you the truth.

I am mental health. This is mentally healthy in every possible way. If writing weren’t an incredibly strong activity, you’d have to be kidding the world. Educate yourSelf.

Self realization…

~Stephanie

#unashamed

#mentalhealth