DearesT,

DearesT,

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DearesT,

Sum days ago, I wrote a tiny love letter to someone I use to know, then sent it out into the world via a Soul Scape matchbook. I created a tiny piece of art, then tucked the little message inside and gave it to Rob!n to disseminate. We haven’t told anyone about that, until now (and to be fair I have never “told” anyone anything).

Remembering the journey is where life happens, that little message and matchbook may have no destination. Still, it was a tiny piece of my arT in hopes of a moment. Created at a moment when I was wandering the street, remembering that it’s the journey of this matchbook, not the firey destination.

Looking at the click of the clock, it’s 2:08PM on 6/21/18 and on the to-do list is discerning my next firey destination. As I look around me at the lives of others to discern What Next? it seems I have many natural camping options from which to select. It’s time to wipe these eyes and find the place that I can be a human~>matchbook~>LIGHT~> for realS this time.

Speaking to a Patron today, we both realized that I don’t have many followers or patrons to support this art or writing thing. I also realize that I need to find a home and move by August 9th ~> of the year of our lord, 2018. Trying not to be in a hurry here, I do need to be making plans for where all this stuff is going to go when this home isn’t here anymore~>

“So much pushing and pulling

So much fighting and straining

So much laboring against waves and wind

I am tired

My arms are weary

Back is achey

Eyes are bleary

Think I’m finally ready to give in

I have struggled

I have cried

I have screamed inside

About the kind of life I’ve tried to lead

Well right now, I think it’s time,

for the very first time

to lay down my body and mind

and just BE ~>

if I stop steering my boat?

does it sink it?

no?

current carries it along just so

if i stop steering my life

i will be alright

i will just go where the Ocean says to go.

Down the block

or to the moon

round the world

or just to my room

I can’t say where

I’m supposed to end up

I’ve resisted for so long

as if I could do no wrong

and it’s never been

quite good enough

It’s a funny  thinkthing I guess

A prideful human saying yes

Without knowing what I’m agreeing to

But there’s a simple fact I find

THe decision has never been mine

All I will ever do is what I am meant to do

If I stop steering my boat

Does it sink?

Oh no ~>

Current carries it along

If I stop steering my life

It will be alright

I’ll just go where the Ocean

Says to Go

It’s a scary thing for sure

To lay down my ores

Quit pretending that I’ve ever been in charge

But it’s scarier still

To spend my strength and will

And never even have a peaceful heart

So here goes the toughest thing

Ironic don’t you think?

That it’s so hard, and so easy all at once

It’s not laziness, it’s just the deepest type of trust

I’m OK when all is said and done

If I stop steering my boat

Does it sink?

Oh no ~>

Current carries it along just so

If I stop steering my life

It will be alright

I’ll just go where the Ocean

Says to Go

If I stop steering my boat

Does it sink?

Oh no ~>

Current carries it along just SO

If I stop steering my life

It will be alright

I’ll just go where the Ocean

Says to Go

I’ll just go where the Ocean

Says to Go

I’ll just go where the Ocean

Says to Go

~Daniel Nahmod

Love,

Stephanie Bird

 

 

 

GONZO

GONZO

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GONZO?

Where do i go, like david?

Where do i turn for comfort?

Every call or text that I receive on this Cell phone

causes me further confusion.

I wonder who “real” friends are ~>

write now ~>

even as I make plans ~>

on where I can disappear with friend(s) again ~>

Where do i go ~> friend?

I have no idea yet ~>

though somewhere ~>

is where I will go?

It’s inevitable.

Here is this skin

and another animals skin ~> sky

and we have to go somewhere ~>

and my Spirit is definitely somewhere in here ~>

I can hear what lies within ~>

and I know someone who can too ~>

His name was _____ ~>

He doesn’t live here though,

making it a drag living life like this.

Believe me, I have been here a thousand times.

Spending every day on the defense

and building walls no one could climb.

I don’t know much more than that,

but I know someone who does ~>

I wasn’t in anyone else’s past,

I understand that I can’t fully understand ~>

but I know someone who did ~>

and even as I write ~> that someone

felt the same love Jesus did for me ~>

when He died on the cross for “my” SinS? ~>

Then, it was a feeling that God did exist ~>

A feeling I can’t fully understand through SCIENCE ~>

but I know someone who can ~> Jesus, ~>

And LOTS of people ~>

Who say they want to or will ~>

someday, anyway?

Love,

Steph~>Bird

 

Dr?HACK

Dr?HACK

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i HAD a Hack,

That hack ~> “Jack” live(d) in Portland. You don’t know him and we haven’t been friends for very long, but he definitely wants to fuck. He has made that QUITE clear ~> and I’ve made my own personal feelings on that limp subject clear too ~> therapy sEX? <~ Not going to happen.

Jack also requested to work with me professionally, then proposed a joint writing project. Though we negotiated about the details of that shared time and work, ultimately I declined that offer. It was clearly a free gig where Jack was getting what Jack wanted ~> that gig included the potential (in his mind) for sex therapy ~> OR “friends” and life coaching from BirdAnitY.

Yesterday, I told Jack goodbye and for my own good today. Recognizing I’m the giver to hacks like Jack ~> I’m also not sex or life to anyone, and especially for free. I also won’t take reading more wordy emails and text messages from “long-distant friends” who profess to be Life Hacks. Especially when I am not getting paid for those check in visits ~> to hack Jack’s life in Portland.

You see, Jack says, “WOW!” to this writing, then sends me text and email messages often. He calls it, “Checking In“. It’s my position that he does these “check ins” as a disguised effort to play doctor, and gain insight into his own life (by talking about or reading into and analyzing mine). He often reads BirdAnitY ~> this art and “free” content ~> as he considers himself a master, 1) social worker, 2) psychologist, 3) nutritionist, 4) alien poet and 5) a great musician/singer/songwriter.

Stranger still ~> Jack often sends me pictures and images that remind him of me. A lot of birds. In these ways it almost feels like he is IN LOVE with me. Then he asks for feedback about his own life when sending me emails (that I appreciated reading). I didn’t have much time to reply because Jack wants to keep looking at my emails and this ART ~> reading all this work ~> yet he doesn’t want to help PAY for the time it took to develop this friendship ~> no worries, no payment required!

Hopefully there are no worries in Portland either, I don’t have time for 1:1 free check-ins. Jack may have lived here for a bit, but it turns out he is a gypsy who picks up and moves wherever and whenever he wants ~> as he wishes.

According to Jack, he also has a lot of good friends everywhere. I believe him. I do too and in many states, though not a ton who are willing to help me be an artist and write. My guess is that like me, Jack is lonely and longing for a home where he feels safe to fly away and return to some deeply rooted connections.

In my humble opinion, Jack uproots himself again and again to travel and move about the country. He stores precious items in friend’s garages like mine, then drives to “exotic” places like Portland to have more adventures <alOne> with “new” friends.

Wherever that hack goes, I will appreciate his work from afar as a fellow flyer. If he continues to read this blog and wants to Hack my life further to find his, I’m glad to help through BirdAnitY. If he wants 1:1 professional and personal coaching or support from afar again though? ~>Dr. “Noom Coach” & Miszzzz. Hack mY L!fe? ~> will need to ask for it in a f!nanc!al way.

TO: Hacks ~> I wish those ol’ bird’s well and safe travels. Turns out even ol’ Hacks like me STILL want to keep searching to find what they are looking for ~> me?

Love,

Steph

Legal=Club$

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Stopping to consider the one person whom ! want to pursuit legally, it’s = my ol’ friend, AnnA from the legal club$.

Wondering specifically within the Court system what recourse ! have, if any, after finding that I legally paid rent to AnnA for 18 months ~> for a place that ! wasn’t Legally allowed to be ~> ?nadda ~> the answer is nadda ~> i have nothing to gain or lose ~> but mY t!me when i already lost my health,

*sigh* According to our lease here in Card!ff, and our landlord verbally (more than a week ago), no pets were ever allowed here. The landlord had no idea I was even living here or knew that I offered to paint the walls and fix up the place. Turns out Sky’s soul was never welcome in this home in Cardiff~by~the~Sea, where I was eVicted by AnnA and JannA (who also wants mY room and my kitchen space).

Fam!lY? Prior to the eViction, AnnA also shared with me that she instigated this whole messy housemate situation and wanted to choose which roommate to go. She is looking to have her own family move in here soon. She also wants to have a pet of her own, or at least that’s what she wanted a few months ago when she asked Janna and I to consider that. This is also when JannA cried about tiny balls of hair that I personally vacuum every other day or so (often).

AnnA is also the Editor and Chief of a lot of articles and Legal content about money. Which makes this whole affair really stink in the books, especially for that old company where ! use to contribute. A company where she is presently a Director and where AnnA has her own office. An office that is also primarily responsible for their Legal content.

Every single day that I live and breath, ! wonder, was that Legal for AnnA to do what she did? Was what happened to me Legal with = AnnA? Can IT be true?

My guess? It’s not true and she needs me to be quiet and sign that Legal disclosure agreement. My guess is that what happened to me with AnnA specifically = is still wrong. My guess is that AnnA owes me an apology.

AnnA has had weeks now to apologize, but nothing. In these ways, I doubt trust for AnnA or JennA will ever develop or grow, especially after knowing they both lied to me about how they felt. According to them both, they have been unhappy here for months. Lacking methods of communication, it’s truly sad just watch those ladies suffer in silence.

Overall, this doesn’t seem right or write ~> or good ~> or happy ~> or heaven. It was abuse, straight up and that’s how I will see it for a while, I suppose. This life doesn’t seem quite right here with AnnA or JannA. ESPecially sfter having one house meeting and being evicted to make way for another family (and another pet?)

They both “conveniently” eVicted Sky and I, which is also how ! learned from the landlord that s:he never even knew about Sky or I. Either way, it’s t!me to go for a walk. Again ~> maybe the Pacific Coast Trail this t!me in my head.

JannA? I write about that ol’ friend too sometimes. Today, she makes me sick as a “seasoned” yogi and health practitioner. She may work for a lot of really elite yogi groups and sell oils and beauty products, but she also tells people how unhealthy they are in her mind’s eye. She wants ~> what she wants ~> in her home ~> and that’s quiet @ all hours (that She isn’t chanting or making a Joyful noise) ~> even after Cardiff trains roll by every hour on the hour.

Overall, this whole Cardiff community affair ~> still REALLY stinks like sh!t in this chapter and book of l!fe!

God,

*sigh*Love?<~Steph

teXt? cALL (me)

teXt? cALL (me)

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IS THE Sun going down on yOur wrath too?

Almost never a good idea ~> ESPecially after I wake up again to find lady friends who text like Heather, Jenna and Anna. Women, like me, who don’t know a good apology if it hit em’ in the face.

Both personally and professionally, I have never hit anyone in the face, though I did slap some sense into a girl once in jr. high after she physically assaulted my big brother and was pretending to have demons in her while we studied at Gethsemane Baptist Church (school).

Non-violently? I have been practicing throwing punches in the air to release this energy and learning to defend myself ~> to the death, write? Bring IT! ~>”You want my family?” ~> Bring IT! ~> *ROAwR!te*

Turns out, humans like Janna, Heather and AnnA haven’t learned how to release ALL that angry venom, say Sorry or find compassion for a sister in need. Further still, these ladies haven’t learned how to make amends after hurting the people they love. From what I understand, this is Step 9 and part of the AA curriculum, a community counseling that is readily available for people who can’t control themselves after victimizing others repeatedly, and/or retaliating against them for speaking up.

Retaliation ~> Waking up to Heather’s text yesterday really hurt. It still hurts this morning to know that she, Jenna and Anna are hurting too. Conversations with Heather throughout the morning only dug that “ladies” knife in me a little deeper still. I even offered to speak with Heather by phone to resolve the conflict. Instead, she overlooked that message and continued to text angry outbursts, sharing her hopes of my demise and then publicly humiliating me with her gossipy conversation.

Serendipitously, I also saw Heather in person yesterday morning on the street and almost exactly the same time Heather and I were sending texts back:forth. She was standing in front of Zumbar, speaking to another “lady” friend, Anna. This is when and where Heather stared me down as I walked with Sky in tow.

What felt like serious harassment was receiving multiple texts from Heather after her death-star stare, and after telling her to stop. Several messages were still needed to be sent by her and that’s how it is for Heather with text. That’s how it was for me yesterday too, and when I read all those wordy messages and defended myself. Again!

That’s also when I finally contacted Rob, my former boss and the man who released me from that old Bird cage almost a month ago. Sharing portions of my real-life side of this story with that legacy employer, I asked him to step forward on my behalf. Yesterday, I needed a man who can be truly Frank with people and Rob seemed the best solution and friend I could find, at least for now.

Perhaps what hurts me worse still in all of this is that Heather confirmed yesterday that my friends are reading this “work” of art ~> people are watching me suffer ~> and they do nothing. Friends are reading this post write now, and they do and say nothing because they are investigating themselves with the Legal system. They don’t know who to trust anymore, and it’s definitely not themSelves.

Friends? Often tell me they have been reading this work, they disagree and want to hurt me in return for their pain. I offer to make edits to content to make it truth for two, but they decline. After being lied to a lot over the last 18 months, all through a lot of teXtS and wordY prom!ses of love, this morning I STILL want to believe in love over fear (in here). I still want to believe that miracles in > THIS L!FE < are possible. 

Regardless, those ladies are right about many things and at least one = I may feel at home in this world , even when that home is at WAR with ITself. I am at home with mySelf, inside and out. I am being honest, this is Justice to me by releasing the truth. I am doing the write thing here by righting about writing being right, no matter the cost in public opinion.

Writing here is someplace that I can be at home in song and meditation for a while. This WordPress place is also a space where people aren’t forcing me out because I vibrate a little too loud or have an energetic force of words that may make your heart beat TOO FAST, taking the breath away.

STILLing this m!nd ~> !’m “Steph” ~> one hu:man ~> the l!ttle(st) s!ster ~> and this t!me ! learned to CODE ~>wayS~> !nto th!s $Ystem, join “me”?

$teph

You Can He!p

Meditatively cleansing, I cleaned up the room ! won’t “own” in about 40’ish days, making sure the floor is tidy and “stuff” is better organized than it was yesterday. Each day isn’t so bad, but it isn’t so good either. It’s just another day in parad!se.

Every morning, I pack up a small backpack’s worth of sh!t and head out to get lost somewhere. Sky is almost always with me, sew it’s got to be a place ! can walk <or sit> with w!ld people. Graciously, that dog is healthy to: other people and me, so it’s not a tough call to bring Sky with. He is presently my greatest teacher, !n fact.

Today, I listened to an audio program about the “empress, shaman, and mystic” teacher in “me” who decided to take a break from being a teacher or a sa!nt. Story after story, I stared at a lot of stories today, then scratched my head and wondered why. Then, ! decided to wander instead, only to reach out to ask You for help.

Help ~> tomorrow and today, i want the people who took from me ~> or learned from:with me ~> family and “friends” ~> to find the words that form a message of gratitude for being their little sister. And perhaps the littlest sister of all?

~Steph

 

 

ART?

ART?

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BirdAnitY

#deCoding~>Art

You’re probably wondering, “What is this BirdAnitY all about?” I know, and that’s why I’m NOT going to explain this ART thing in this One paragraph ~> ART?

Here’s the thing. I’m what you’d call an artist. No one selling out to some big media corporation here.

I write stuff. You read it. It’s that simple.

Now, I’m very grateful to be able to do this. And learning to write like this was no accident. I’m not some rich wo:man with nothing better to do than read books and write articles. I don’t have a “Daddy”, and my literal father is a military man who never bought me a car or wants to know me like you do here. Period.

All I have is you. My readers. People who love what I do enough that they’re willing to help me keep being able to do it.

There’s no middle wo:man here. I write stuff you love (or hate) and then I say, “Uhh, hi, mind giving me enough money so I don’t starve to death?” And then a sum of amazing people like you do. Because you are awesome and you’d like to see more of this type of content. So you think to yourself, “Hey, maybe this gender fluid wo:man Steph deserves a good meal,” and then you give me enough money to go buy a cheeseburger every day/week/month/year.

That’s how it works, and that’s how it should work.

So if you’ve ever shared, liked or discussed an article of mine ~> If you’ve ever read something and thought ~> “Wo:man, that’s amazing!” ~> If something I’ve written or “said” has ever added an ounce of value to your life ~> Consider throwing me a few bucks.

That’s all it is. A few bucks to feed Steph, allowing her to write more stuff with the Sky monster lying near. It allows me to keep doing what I love doing. And it keeps things simple. No middle wo:man. No fucking with you, and no bullshit. Just me doing my thing and you (hopefully) liking it.

So, just use the (not so) shiny Patreon~>DONATE<~ button to help and thank you so much for allowing me to do this.

Love,
~Stephan:ie Bird