“THE_PAIN_IS_TEMPORARY”?

“THE_PAIN_IS_TEMPORARY”?

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IT is lovely to REPORT:

in this Card: this morning,

i WISHed all my “friends

to: FEEL as DISplaced

as I FEEL today

mY HOPE is that

THEY ALL FEEL

PISSED and DISSED

and DISPlaced for LIFE!

I hope THEY ALL NEVER

FEEL@HOME AGAIN in their

Skin, not even One of em’

I hope they writhe with PAIN

That it seeps into every bone

in their bodies,

this PAIN I FEEL?

i hope they FEEL IT HARD!

FEELING IT like it i feel IT?

IT HURTS like HELL!

FEEEEL the BURN!

Enjoy mY HOPE OF PAIN!

To: FEEL

PISSED and DISSED

and DISPlaced for LIFE!

THEY: FEEL?

PISSED and DISSED

and DISPlaced for LIFE!

Do You FEEL?

PISSED and DISSED

and DISPlaced for LIFE?

because i FEEL!

PISSED! and DISSED!

and DISPlaced for LIFE!!!!

GOOD?

Bye!~>Steph!

“WeHateYOU!

STOP BEING PISSED!”

Stop IT, They SAY?

But, what did THEY SAY?

Wait, What did THEY SAY?!?

Oh wait, they said nothing,

“Friends” said NOThing

They KEPT SAYing NOT a THING

“You were WHO to me?”

Sister?

Brother?

Father?

Mother?

Which One?

Pissed?

Dissed?

Feeling?

MISplaced?

F#CK! ME TOO, and thanks “GUys!”

F##K! ME TOO, and thanks “GUys!”

FU$K! ME TOO, and thanks “GUys!”

but, “THE PAIN IS TEMPORARY!”

?

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Love! = Mean? = Life!

Love! = Mean? = Life!

5561C922-5347-4FC0-B6B1-B7B29F33D114.JPEGLove?
What IT
Really Means

I cry in the corner
Where nobody sees
I’m the kid with the story
No one would believe

I pray every night
“Dear God won’t you please,
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?”

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become.
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me
What love
Really means

My office is shrinking
A little each day
I’m the woman whose husband
Has run away
I’ll go to the gym after working today,
Believing
Maybe if I was thinner?
He would’ve stayed..

And I say,
“Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me
what Love
Really means”

I’m waiting to die
As I sit all alone
I’m a man with a Cell
Who regrets what he’s done
I utter a cry
From the depths of this soul
“God? Forgive me, I want to go home!”

Then I heard a voice
Somewhere deep inside
And it said,
“I know you’ve murdered
and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you SUFFER
all of your LIFE.

Now that you’ll listen?
I’ll tell you that I…

I will love You for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for You!
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
&
The love that you always knew

I will love You for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become

I will love you for You
I will give you the love
The love that You never knew

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Artist: Stephanie Bird
With edits to Songwriter: JJ Heller, What Love Really Means

Mountains?

Mountains?

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Moving mountains?!?

I saw stars in my vision again this morning when I was working, I wanted to tell someOne, and today that someone is You. I’ve seen these stars many times before, and I feel my brain change. Sometimes it’s frequent and everyday, while other times it’s sparse and I will go months without noticing these dramatic changes. It’s almost like seeing starry fairies that magically appear for a few moments, then disappear.

My head is stranger to me than fiction, and I can’t financially afford much in the way of guides for this life. Honestly, I’m not even sure my health or being insured matters much anymore. It doesn’t seem to matter to you or to God, who I also understand stopped giving me a paycheck last month and said, “TRUST!” Too, somehow through all these ‘likes’ that i never thought i wanted, i find a necessary agreement with the health of this work.

If this is healthy, if I am OK, then why do I feel so tired? Why does every day feel like moving mountains to believe in these dreams? And why does every dream lead to trusting You to move mountains with Me? I need Your help…

MOVING MOUNTAINS?!?

Letting go of every Single DREAM

i lay each One down at your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what you see

i tried to win this war

i confess,

mY hands are weary,

i need your rest

mighty Warrior?

king of the Fight?

no matter what i face

you’re by my side,

But,

when you don’t move the mountains

i’m needing you to move

when you don’t part the waters

i wish i could walk through

when you don’t give the answers

as i cry out to you

i will trust?

i will trust!

i will trust in You.

Truth is,

i know what tomorrow brings

there’s not a day ahead i have not seen

so let all things be my life and breath

i want what you want,

and nothing less

And,

when you don’t move the mountains

i’m needing you to move

When you don’t part the waters

i wish i could walk through

When you don’t give the answers

As i cry out to you

i will trust,

i will trust,

i will trust in you

i will trust in you.

You are my strength and comfort

you are my steady hand

you are my firm foundation

the Rock on which i stand

your ways are always higher

your plans are always good

there’s not a place where i’ll go

you’ve not already stood!

AND

When i don’t move the mountains

i’m needing me to move

When i don’t part the waters

i wish i could walk through

When i don’t give the answers

as you cry out to me

you will trust,

you will trust in me

you will trust in me

+

i will trust in you

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Lyrics/Poetry Writers:
Stephanie Bird / Lauren Daigle / Michael Farren / Paul Mabury

Forget_You,

Forget_You,

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MERCY,

did you want

to FORGET me?

Did You want to forget?

Well those days are all but gone,

and still I am listening in

for that old long distance call,

but I’ll forget You.

As the fields are turning green,

the summer moves in.

There’s a love I use to know,

but I’ll forget You.

So bye bye,

I’ll forget You.

But, there is a Ghost

above my door

stalking me here.

There’s a high lonesome call,

but I’ll forget You.

So bye bye.

I’ll forget You,

As the space around me grows,

I need the touch of Your skin.

So I wear this ring,

Til I forget You

so bye bye, poor Boy

Why don’t You try getting water?

Poor boy

Why don’t You try getting sleep?

I think if one of us is going to suffer

Why shouldn’t it be me? Poor boy

Your wife is in hard labor?

The rhythm You know

Is pulsing and drifting to the grave

When You come to

You’ll be asking Yourself one question

Was I always this way?

Think back a year

When everything stood at the surface

But bandage Your cuts ‘

cause You don’t know

what swims underneath

Hold tight

The bondage of this life is slipping

And why shouldn’t it be Me?

When I come back

You’ll be the brightest Star

In the black

When there are days

You want the call

We’re all waiting for

Think back,

Poor boy

Your wife is in hard labor?

Go buy the flowers You’ll leave on its grave

You went with a goal of movement

Now one thing is different

You don’t want to change

I don’t want to change,

but I do want to RUN

I’ll sing it one last time for You

Then we really have to go

You’ve been the only thing that’s right

In all I’ve done.

And I can barely look at You

But every single time I do

I know we’ll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if You have a choice

Even if You cannot hear my voice

I’ll be right beside You, dear

Louder, louder

And we’ll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why You can’t raise Your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

It makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbyes

I nearly do.

Light up, light up

As if You have a choice

Even if You cannot hear my voice

I’ll be right beside You, dear

Louder, louder

And we’ll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why You can’t raise Your voice to say

Slower, slower

We don’t have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We’re bound to be afraid

Even if it’s just for a few days

Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up

As if You have a choice

Even if You cannot hear my voice

D7A60722-3A7F-4C29-8B7E-514C47D66815I’ll be write right

beside

You,

dear.

writers:

~Stephanie Bird
~Peter Bradley Adams
~Aaron Nebeker
~Nathan Connolly
~Gary Lightbody
~Mark Mccelland
~Jonathan Quinn
~Ian Archer

 

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

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Reading Diaries?

Me too, and I’ve never been so kind to myself as these last few weeks since I lost my job at iGrad. Having worked for a place like iGrad, INC for 18 months, this is the kind of educational institution where you can get financial wellness courses, articles, videos and content by finding your partnering school who supports iGrad, then signing up (for free). Try it.

The question of whether I quit or was fired remains to be identified, and I never signed a settlement or agreement to be quiet (or move away). Like the legal investigator that I spoke to on Friday for nearly five hours, I want to know the whole story about what happened with us at iGrad too. That legal answer has everything to do with why I am (or am not) worthy to be a coach of this one life.

The problem today is that I can’t afford a legal investigator, an official evaluation, and I am partial to iGrad. I loved that place and my colleagues use to feel like family. I made my home there, I took the garbage out a lot, I cleaned the kitchen like everyone else, and I even anticipated working there for a long time. Still, today I reflect on that old story with little clue as to how things feel apart with me so quickly.

Was it because I am gender fluid, though I display “woman” in the mirror? Was it because I told a few of them that they discriminated against me? or was it because of the hostile working environment we all endured? And, why do I feel like the victim again of a similar “INC” like I had in Phoenix?

Staring at my life today, from most outside perspectives I am unemployed, but that’s not 100% true. I know better, I am working right now and even as I write these words, I must pay me.

I am paying me to write this life sentence. I am paying me to understand where I went wrong by writing about it, and so I can make it right. I write to right the true story. I write to be honest. And honestly, I’m not sure I’m always right when I write either, but I try to be right.

Writing about fear is knowing the meaning of being right is sometimes wrong. Fear is writing about perfection in fear. Fear is letting these words flow through me and then clicking Publish for you, not just for me or for fear of being heard.

All the words above, I thought all those words and put them all together when I started writing at 6am. I paid myself to write all these words because I have to survive this firing. Happy Monday in this survival of the fittest (but am I alone in this office… again?)

In any case, I need to write my own timeline of what happened to me at iGrad. I need to send a whole bucket list of emails, text messages and MP4 files to a legal investigator who may or may not ever speak to me again. Then, I need to stop crying to myself about that old iGrad family who hates or loves me so much they chose to investigate whether firing me, a “star employee” (like many others), was legal.

Legally, some say I’m crazy, while others say I’m nieve to close my eyes and take the leap into those old stories. To write them all here, then to release them without knowing who will pick them up and read their very essence.

I am not afraid to write this time. Here goes nothing, I am taking this chance, opening up and knowing that I am in good hands or God’s hands. This is it, I am online and I am not going to be afraid this time. Dear diary, I let you know what I was thinking today. And today,

I am OK,

I’ve all ways been

and

I will all ways be

that way.

but

tomorrow?

let it be different!…

Love,

Stephanie Bird

Dear Diary?

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